Parenting With Patience by Judy Arnall

Author:Judy Arnall
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: Parenting
Publisher: Professional Parenting Canada
Published: 2018-03-13T12:47:36+00:00

Handling teen-age anger and disrespect with calmness

Once, a dad found an angry rant directed at him on his teenage daughter’s social media page. The dad was angry, and rightly so. He reacted by filming himself calmly wrecking her beloved laptop. He proceeded to upload it to the internet where it went viral.

Both dad and daughter were angry. In many ways, neither dad nor daughter was respectful toward the other. Good parenting involves mutual respect in a loving relationship. Mutual respect is treating another human being as no less and no more than one would like to be treated. Respect transcends age, race, religion, culture, and social status in importance in starting and maintaining relationships. Good parenting also involves addressing disrespectful behaviour in a respectful way.

Here are some “don’ts” and “dos” I have learned over my twenty-four years of parenting. They obviously work, because in the process of raising two teens and three adult children, I have never had a door slam in my house yet!

Don’t call your child names or put down her ideas.

Don’t talk about him disapprovingly in front of other people.

Don’t make faces at your children, roll your eyes, mimic them, or use words dripping with sarcasm.

You are the leader and model for respectful behaviour. As the adult, you must rise above immature responses.

Don’t use your child’s possessions, break them, or give them away without your child’s permission.

Don’t go into your child’s room, computer, drawers or closets to snoop. Don’t allow the child’s siblings or others to snoop either.

Don’t use sarcasm when addressing your child’s behaviour, such as, “I’m not your slave. Make your own lunch!”

Don’t punish your child, which includes everything from grounding, time-out, and withdrawal of privileges to hitting, fines, and confiscating treasures.

Don’t yell, threaten, criticize, belittle, or punish your children in public, especially in front of their peers.

Don’t tell them to “suck it up,” or “be a big boy,” if they display feelings that you don’t like.

Don’t call in the forces and go into full-frontal war mode when your child is disrespectful to you. Don’t engage in a power struggle and fight (punish) any way you can until you win. You may win the argument but you'll lose your connection, communication, sharing, and collaboration in the relationship.

Don’t turn away and let it go when your children are disrespectful. Call them on it by clearly explaining your expectations that everyone is treated with respect (and be sure you are modeling the same). Insist on restitution, apology, fixing the situation to make it better, or any steps you both think might help toward mending that relationship. When both of you are calmer, request a commitment from your child that he will work toward change. Set a time to talk.

Don’t ignore other people’s children when they are disrespectful to you or others in public. As Hillary Clinton once said, "It takes a village to raise a child." Confront the child, and their parent if there is no change, and insist on civility and politeness.

Do stay calm as much as you are able to.

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